Monday, March 22, 2010

How to Annoy the Pregnant Woman

As of Saturday, I am 37 weeks pregnant. Two weeks from now, there'll be a new baby girl in this world, ya'll! It's totally and completely just flown by. Something I didn't expect to happen considering I got a positive on the pee stick at just over four weeks. But you know what? Imma tell you something.

*Whispers* I'm over it.

I'm over it.
I'm done.
Fini, Finis, Finito.

I'll just be downright honest and letcha know: I've done some complaining but this pregnancy has not been that bad. In fact, it really hasn't been bad at all.

Other than the CONSTANT tiredness. I never did get that second trimester burst of energy.

Oh, and the heartburn. The people who produce Tums are going to feel the pinch once I'm no longer pregnant.

But, now, here I am at 37 weeks. Which means I've passed that magical 36 week mark where it's okay to admit you're not walking on sunshine.

Which means it's okay for me to say:

I'm over it.
I'm done.
Fini, Finis, Finito.

And mainly because I have approxomately 7 pounds of fetus currently pressing down on my diaphram and I cannot breathe unless I am in a reclined position. It makes walking fun. Ditto trying to climb stairs.

Anyhow. I went back to the doctor today and it went like this:

"You're measuring perfect. Heartbeat is perfect. Blood pressure is perfect. Weight is perfect. Urine was perfect. You've pretty much had the perfect pregnancy." Which is good and all but an extra 50 lbs (HOW is that perfect?? How, how, how?) tells me otherwise. I'm not complaining though. I know how lucky I am to have (thus far) gone through this pregnancy complication free. Can't say the same for my past two pregnancies with their high blood pressure nonsense.

I digress.

This list started over on Facebook today and I thought it was just too good to not share with the blogging world. I mean, really, it should be printed in a book. The Handy Guide on How to Deal with a Pregnat Woman or She's Knocked Up! Leave Her Alone! Perhaps that would be even better.

Here it is though, ya'll. A little list I have (oh-so-creatively) titled

How to Annoy the Pregnant Woman:

1) "You know you're not supposed to . . . . " *Fill in the blank -- eat fish, drink caffeine, etc*
I know that, okay! I KNOW! This ain't my first rodeo and, even if it was, the very first thing they give you at your very first doctor's appointment is the great big list of do's and don'ts.

And, by the way, any doctor worth their salt will tell you that BOTH caffeine and fish are okay in moderation! So, stuff it, random lady at McDonald's and let me enjoy my Coca-Cola.

2) "Really? I loved being pregnant!"
Good for you. I'm going to go ahead and assume you didn't spend the first half puking up every single thing you attempted to eat, did not have constant UTI's, feel like you were going to have to rip your esophogus out through your mouth due to never ending heartburn, or gained 30 pounds in the first trimester alone.
I'll also make the assumption that you're one of those disgusting pregnant women who had an actual "glow" that was not attributed to sweating.
And that you were not pregnant in the south. In the summer.
** FYI: "I loved being pregnant!" are four words that should never, EVER be uttered to any woman past her 36 weeks who cannot breathe or eat a full meal due to the human being taking up every square centimeter of space in the middle of her body.
3) "Wow! I only gained 15 pounds when I was pregnant!"
Stuff it, skinny bish.
** Exceptions granted for peeps who had to deal with GD while during pregnant. Because, ya know, I'm going to assume that they aren't bragging that they only gained 15 lbs since there's was due to a medical condition. Skeletor that weighs 120 when not pregnant? Stuff it, skinny bish.
4) "How'd you come up with THAT name?"
Ummmm, obviously we LIKE it if we're going to name our CHILD that and they are going to have to go through the rest of their LIFE with it and we're going to have to say it somewhere in the neighborhood of 34958934 times followed by "No" and "Stop that" during their toddler years. So being all condescending when asking how we came up with it? Stuff it, rude bish.
5) "You're STILL pregnant?"
Nope, I just enjoyed the belly so much that I bought a prosthetic one. Hello! Who wouldn't want to breastfeed AND carrry around an extra 30, uh 40, erm 50 pounds attached to their middle?

6) "You're HOW far along? Are you having twins?"
It does not matter if a woman is pregnant or not. It's NEVER, EVER cool to insinuate that she's somehow bigger than she should be. Making the insinuation WHILE she's pregnant? Good way to lose an eye, buddy. Or some other body part.
7) "I never had any morning sickness!"
Really? Come over here and let me puke on you so that you can at least experience it.

8) "Labor wasn't all that bad."
Shut.Up. Just shut it.

9) "Can I touch your belly?"
Um, do I KNOW you? Can I touch YOUR belly? No? Then don't ask me either!
10) "How many kids? You do know what causes that, don't you?"
Hmmm . . . seventh grade Biology was a long time ago. Maybe I need a refresher course. *Rolls eyes*
11) "Are you planning to breastfeed?"
What the? Am I asking you what you're going to feed your nine-year-old for dinner? Mind ya own, pardner. Mind ya own.
Dude . . . if you have more, I would LOVE to see them in the comments. ^That is TOTALLY therapeutic.

P.S. I will be handing out cyber ass-kickings to anyone who comments with "I LOVED being pregnant." Just sayin'.