Monday, November 1, 2010

The Commandments of Trick or Treating

It's over for another year.

The jack-o-lanterns have been (or should be) thrown out. The costumes are wadded up on bedroom floors. The candy buckets are overflowing. The children are hyper. Yup. Halloween has been here.

My kids were adorable (natch). And they had a great time. They didn't net me one single pack of Junior Mints but I did end up with two pieces of dark chocolate Dove and a couple of Almond Joys so I guess it evens out.

Now that the holiday is over, when it makes absolutely no sense to do this, I shall present to you the Commandments of Trick or Treating.

Ready? Here we go.

I. Thou shalt not leave your porch light on if you're not going to be handing out candy. Asshole. I realize that you want to see to put your key in the lock when you get home from your trunk or treat or hiding from all the little ghouls and goblins. But, um, hello. This is the one day out of the year that you KNOW excited little children go from door to door and expect it to be opened when your light is on. Use the garage light next time, mmkay? Sheesh.

II. If thou art over the age of 12, thou shalt wear a freakin' costume if you expect people to give you candy. Assholes. Come on, jerk. Head over to the dollar store and drop two dollars on a plastic mask.

III. If thou art over the age of 12 - and insist on trick or treating - thou shalt not try to scare my little people who actually are, you know, of trick or treating age. Assholes.

IV. If thou art over the age of 12 - and insist on trick or treating - thou shalt not hang out the window of a car wearing a Scream mask and make a crude comment about my badonkadonk. Asshole.

V. Thou shalt not ever, EVER, answer the door for trick or treaters with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth. Asshole.

VI. Thou shalt control your brats and not allow them to run over other children (namely mine). Assholes.

VII. Thou shalt not hand out those crappy Mary Jane thing-a-ma-bobs. Cheap assholes.