Monday, April 18, 2011

How to be an Asshole Blogger

It's been a while since I've done an "how to" series.  I'm still working on part two of the Facebook series (and appreciate any feedback you might have on how to be an a-hole on Facebook).  So, in the meantime, we'll talk about how to be an asshole blogger. 

For the record, I am TOTALLY an asshole blogger.  I'm opinionated and rude and a little crass.  I never comment on other blogs (seriously, seeeeriously going to try to get better on that one).  I could go on and on.  But, it's okay for me to be as asshole blogger because I can admit it. 

Now.  Let's get this show on the road. 

How to be an Asshole Blogger

1) Try to be The Pioneer Woman  She's successful.  She's made a butt load of moo-lah off her blog.  She snagged a book deal (or two).  She's getting her own show on the Food Channel.  So, hurry and quick like take a bunch of pictures of your hubby's backside.  Talk about your butt puckering.  Post 18 photos of your dog in the exact same stance.  Totally steal her niche.  If it worked for her, it can work for the five million people who try to be, right?
2) Give your husband a cutesy nickname.  Look, if he's between ages 25 and 35 then there's a 90% chance his name is either Brian, Matt, Michael, Jason, or Josh.  But, hey, gotta stay annonymous in the blogging world!  So go ahead -- the more nausea-inducing the better.  Shnookums.  Mr. Snuggles.  My Huggy Wuggy Bear. 

3) Lie. Your life is perfect!  Your kids are perfect!  Nothing bad ever happens to you.  You walk on sunshine and your world is full of unicorns that fart rainbows.  Not really.  But go on ahead and let everyone who reads your blog thing so, mmkay?  After all, no one can tell that all that extra sugar online is just to cover up for how much real life sucks.

4) Accept every single product pitch that comes your way.  Who cares if you have no need for Metamucil and Geritol?  It's FREE, ya'll!  You know your audience loves it when a "Mommyblog" turns into one big advertisement for mayonnaise, kettle corn, and wart remover.

5) Only accept comments that agree with you 100%.  Comments are what keep {most} bloggers going, right?  Well, nice, pleasant, and agreeable comments are what keep {most} bloggers going.  Turn on moderation and use that bitch!  Delete comments left and right.  One should only surround themselves with people who agree with them in the Bloggy world.

6) Use terms like 'Bloggy world.'  Self explanatory, ya'll.

7) Add a "continue reading" tab.  Everyone likes to take an extra step to keep reading your blog entry!  Especially if they  have a slow internet connection and have to wait for the page to load again.  Who doesn't LOVE that? 

8) Make people jump through hoops just to leave you a comment.  Make sure you're logged into Google.  Type this word exactly.  Hum the national anthem.  Stand on your head and recite your ABC's backwards.  TOTAL asshole status if it takes people longer to leave a comment than it did to read your entry!

9) Have music begin playing automatically when your page loads.  Extra points if it's a song that's a) annoying as hell or b) no one else knows.  Personally, I think I'll add something like "Who Let the Dogs Out" to my page so that you'll end up singing that for the 12 hours following every single visit to my blog.  ("Who Let the Dogs Out," "Hey Mickey," or the Hamster Dance?  Which is the most annoying?  And who will be humming the Hamster Dance for the rest of the day?)

10) Join ever "Follow Me" Meme on the Planet.  At least three per day.  Who blogs to actually, you know, talk about stuff?  Doesn't everyone blog just so they can somehow attract 8,000 followers and earn free samples out the wha-zoo? No need to bother actually putting up an actual with words blog entry when you can just hop on a Blog Train and Meme your way to four figures worth of followers.

** Can I also just add real quick, and on a more serious note, that there is one thing that absolutely does not make you an asshole blogger.  But it SHOULD get your ass kicked.  And that's posting nude pics of your kids.  I'm not talking about cute little baby bottoms (I'm talking newborn here -- the picture that everyone has taken of the naked baby in the angel wings and blah blah blah).  I'm not talking about kids who have no shirts on or kiddos in bathing suits or bath pictures with strategically placed bubbles.  What I'm talking about is pictures where you can see little girl parts or little boy stuff.  That's not okay and you deserve to have your ass kicked.  End of story.  And off my soapbox.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

No Bake Birds Nest Cookies

No Bake Cookies remind me of Vacation Bible School.  Back when I was a wee thing and did the whole offering-contest-at-Bible-School thing, it seemed like the snack was always No Bake Cookies served with red Koolaid.

They are such yummy cookies though.  And super easy to make.  A couple weeks ago, I was blog hopping and saw a No Bake cookie . . . with a Peep sitting inside it.  I thought "that is just the cutest thing ever."  We don't really care for Peeps though so I decided we'd make our No Bake Cookies into birds nests . . . using jelly beans! 

Didn't they turn out adorable?

Here's how we made them.

First off, what you need:

1 stick margarine or butter
1/2 cup milk
2 cups sugar
3 tbsp cocoa
3 cups oats (quick cooking)
3/4 cup peanutbutter
1 tsp vanilla
Jelly beans (I bought the "speckled" bird eggs)

Then what you do:
Combine margarine, milk, sugar, and cocoa in a large saucepan.  Bring to a boil and allow to boil for two minutes.  Remove from heat and add the oats, peanutbutter, and vanilla.

Drop onto wax paper by the spoonfull.  Push 2-3 jelly beans into each cookie to represent bird eggs.

Wait for the cookies to harden and enjoy!