Monday, February 7, 2011

How to be an Asshole Parent

My first ever how-to post was all about getting pregnant*. So it's only natural that my next post be about parenting. Right? Well, I guess it would be more natural if my post was about labor and delivery but that would have to begin with something like, "go to the doctor and schedule your c-section" which would just piss people off. So maybe it's best that post waits for a little while.


How to be an Asshole Parent

** Please know that this is not a completely comprehensive list. It's a good starter on being an asshole as a parent but there are still many, many other ways to accomplish the job.

1) Claim to be or try to be an expert on anything.
Okay, here's the deal. You have a kid. That means the only thing you really know is how to make a baby. And, folks, most people learn that from either seventh grade Biology or a few good Judy Blume books. I don't care if you have one child or you have 20 of 'em, YOU.KNOW.NOTHING. (If you don't believe me then please feel free to spend a day with my two-year-old).

2) Make a statement like this one: "My kid will never ___________."The best way to raise a meth addict? Claim your kid will never be one.

3) Have a conversation like this one:
Other Parent: Potty training little Artie is SUCH A NIGHTMARE.
You: Really? Potty training my sweet, adorable, never does anything wrong princess Matilda was an absolute JOY. In fact, she was trained at eight months. We just made her go sit on the potty every time she finished her Math lesson. At that point, she was just on a third grade level but, you know, now . . . "
This is also a great way to never have friends with children.

4) Act like your children never, ever get on your nerves.
Look, your kids? They're people. They are people who spend a lot of time with you. They will get on your nerves. Remember that BFF you had the summer between fifth and sixth grade? Remember how you spent every waking moment together and you if you weren't sleeping over at her house then she was sleeping over at yours? Then sometime around the Fourth of July you realized how annoying it was that she took a deep breath every time after she laughed. Or you felt like if she mentioned Jimmy Clayton's name one more time you were going to effin' scream. And you discovered that a majority of the time she kinda smelled like dirty feet. Remember that? That is now who your child is to you. You love them. Adore them. Enjoy spending time with them. But, at some point, something they do is going to make you wonder why you ever had them in the first place.
If you claim that your children never get on your nerves then you're either a liar, an absentee parent, or you need to share some of the happy pills.

5) Have a perfect child.Hey, maybe your kid really is perfect. Wonderful for you. The rest of us don't want to hear about it. Or be around you and your sweet little Dumplin' who always says "yes ma'am" and never tells the neighbor that Mommy can't come to the door because she's in the shower with Daddy.

6) When a Facebook friend posts pictures of her kid in a car seat, send her a message stating that you're not sure her child was properly restrained. Include links to websites about car seat safety. Also send links on breastfeeding to a mom who says she wasn't able to . . . even though she now has a preschooler. Anytime someone online EVER says anything about an epidural, send them a link to every natural birthing website known to man.
If you combine this one with #3 then you'll just not have friends with children at all -- in real life OR online. Awesome if you're aiming to be a social outcast.

7) Pick a "Mommy Wars" platform, perch yourself on top of it, and scream at everyone with a different opinion that they aren't doing what's BEST for their child.
Because, you know, every loves being told that they way they care for their child is somehow inferior. See above on "social outcast."

8) Have a toddler who doesn't get into everything, doesn't throw tantrums, and always eats their vegetables. Brag about said toddler.
Then come and borrow my two-year-old for a few hours.

9) Take your children into public and let them do whatever they want. Don't repremend them. Instead, stay glued to your cell phone. Every few minutes put the phone down long enough to laugh when your kid calls someone a "shit head."
The louder, noisier, meaner, and more obnoxious your children are the more asshole-ish you'll come off. This is also a perfect way to ensure that not only will you not have any friends but your children will be social outcasts as well.

10) Glare menacingly at the parent whose 6-month old is throwing a fit in the middle of Wal-Mart. Stay loudly, "MY babies never did anything like that" or "Can't they take that kid out of here?"
You might as well go ahead and start pissing off strangers since you won't have any friends left.