Thursday, May 26, 2011

How to be an Asshole on Twitter

I'm probably not the best person to write this post.  I've only been on Twitter for, like, two minutes.  And I have the dumbest Twitter handle ever.   I invent random hashtags. I have drunken Twitter parties with my girlfriends.

The fact that I just admitted to "drunken Twitter parties" makes me both an asshole and a loser.  #realtalk

However.

This one is pretty easy to write.  There is no long list of asshole-isms when it comes to Twitter.  There is just one:

1) Do anything Khloe Kardashian does on Twitter.
Now, here's the deal.  There was a time when I was sortakindamaybealmost a fan of the Kar-skank-ians.  In my defense, this was before Kourtney went to US Magazine and complained about being a size 2.  It was before Botox ate Kim's face.  And before Mama Kris decided to turn the little Jennerdashians into mini skank whores.

Through it all -- through the infamous sex tape, the Keeping Up, the Taking of Miami, and all the other E! spin offs, Khloe has always been my favorite.

Always.

She's rude and crass and, I can't lie, the time Kourtney burned her vajanoonoo while waxing it was probably my favorite moment on any show that involved the Kar-skank-ians "taking" anything.

She's also not Kim.

I just like her.

So I followed her on Twitter.

Mistake.
Mistake.
Mistake.

Khloe Kardashian is a Twitter asshole.

For starters, she refers to her husband as Lam Lam.  The man is 31-years-old.  He's, like, 7'0 tall and plays for the friggin' (stupid ass hate them, hate them, hate them) Lakers.  I really - REALLY - doubt he appreciates being referred to as Lam Lam to her 3 million Twitter peeps.  Just typing Lam Lam makes me wanna punch her in the babymaker.

She also refers to all her Twitter followers as "dolls."  Which, I suppose, would be all great and fine IF SHE WERE A WAITRESS SERVING PIE TO MEN ON THEIR LUNCH BREAK SOMEWHERE IN MISSISSIPPI. 

She retweets EVERYthing halfway nice that's said about her.  Narcissistic, much?

Then, to top it all off, she tweets all.the.time.  Isn't she busy running a store or hocking jewelry on QVC or coming up with a mid-priced bedding collection for K-Mart?  HOW does she have time to tweet constantly?

Khloe Kardashian = Twitter asshole. 

Like I said, though, I'm no expert.  After all, I still follow Rob Kar-skank-ian.  And I even proposed to him for a friend of mine. 

Sometimes it's just more fun to be an asshole.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Never Say Never

Hi.
Me.
Back again.
With another post for brand new moms.

This is a very important lesson.  Please lean in and listen closely.  Are you ready?  These three little words should be adapted as the mantra for your parenting. 

Here we go: Never say never.

I realize I touched on this in How to be an Asshole Parent but it's just so vital and important and life changing that it deserves a post of its very own.

And here that post is.

"Never say never" can be broke into two parts:

Never say never about your parenting skills
and
Never say never about anything your child may or may not do

Let's start with the parenting skills.

Here's the deal.  Right now, you have that sweet-smelling, totally adorable, bald, beautiful bundle of joy.  And you also probably have all these ideas about parenting, and who you are going to be as a parent, running through your head.  The problem is, at this point, the toughest thing you've been through is either labor or a newborn ass-explosion all over the front of your favorite yoga pants.

Believe me when I tell you that neither of these can prepare you for having a toddler.  (And, though I don't even want to think about it, I'm pretty sure all the trials and tribulations that go along with having toddlers and asshole 4-year-olds can't even begin to prepare us for the teenage years.  Don't want to think about it.  Don't want to think about it.  Don't want to think about it).

Right now, you cannot imagine your 8 pound, 7 ounce bundle of love and adoration spilling hair dye on your carpet.  Pouring syrup all over the couch.  Cutting chunks out of their own hair.  Smearing poop on their bedroom walls.  Coating themselves in fingernail polish.  (Really, I could go on and on.  I'll stop now.   You're welcome).

Since you can't imagine any of those scenarios, you also can't imagine yourself yelling.  So you say it: I will never yell at my child!

I will never spank my child!
I will never lie to my child!
I will never fake diarrhea just so I can have 10 minutes to myself in the bathroom!

Never say never.  Because you never know what one of those little shits is going to do.

Now, onto the child end of the never say never equation.

I love it when people think they can say what another person - a person with, like, their own mind and emotions and thought process - is never going to do.

One minute you swear that your children will never wear light up tennis shoes or shirts with cartoon characters on them.  The next you're fighting with some heifer at the Disney Store over the last Lightening McQueen t-shirt in a size 4T.

And that's not even the really "serious" stuff.  I always roll my eyes when I hear people proclaim that their precious nubbins will never do something that every child since the beginning of time has done and will continue to do until the end of time. 

My child will never talk back to me.  Ha!
My child will NOT be a whiner.  Never.  Haha!
My children will never be brats.  Hahaha!

I have a friend who is a (former) stripper.  Once upon a time, I was hanging out with her and another of her (former) stripper friends.   They were both saying how their own daughters would NEVER grow up to be strippers.  My friends mom jumped into the conversation, "oh yeah, you say that now and then one of these days you find yourself sewing sequins on a costume."  Is there any better way to sum it up?

Never say never!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Four Year Olds are Assholes

It's going to be an emotional day at my house.  My brother and his wife are stopping by on their way to Virginia.  Where they are moving.  You know, like, to live.  And, those assholes, they're taking my nephew WITH THEM.  We won't for definite sure see them until next summer.  So it's going to be a sad day.  That means I need to keep the mood light around here, right?

So let's do another "lesson" for new mothers/ expectant mothers/ hot ass 16-year-old girls who are lax with the birth control.

* Disclaimer: I am not trying to pass myself off as any sort of parenting expert.  I swear to you I'm not.  MY OLDEST CHILD IS FOUR.  You could fit what I know about parenting in a very small box.  And by "box" I mean envelope.  And by "envelope" I mean . . . well, something very small.

The funny thing about being a parent is, it's the easiest job you'll ever land.  No interviewing required, no passing the test of any committee, or producing a resume.  It's also the one job in the world where you can screw up constantly  - hourly, even - and still hold your position. All of that is pretty awesome - hello, no job interviews and job stability.  However, parenting is also the only job that you can NEVER, EVER be an expert at.  Even if you want to call yourself something dumb like "Tiger Mom" and write a book.  There are no experts when it comes to parenting.  None.

And I totally went off topic there.  The point of all this, the lesson in this one is: four year olds are assholes.

If you're a brand new, first time mom then odds are you are totally enchanted by your sweet little Nubbin.  You're entranced, you're in love, and you can't get enough of them.  Except . . . they're maybe, possibly just slightly a little tiny bit boring.  Oh, they're cute and cuddly and they snuggle right into your chest whenever you hold them.  But they pretty much just eat, sleep, poop, and cry.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  And you've probably found yourself thinking, "I cannot wait until this kid is, like, four and we can carry on conversations and play at the park and go to the circus and I can take her shopping."

Stop that train of thought and GET OFF NOW.

Four year olds are assholes, y'all.  I can tell you this from experience.  The "terrible two's" suck and the threes are worse but neither prepares you for the way they MAKE YOU WANT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF with their ever lovin' attitudes once they round the corner and turn four.

It's really unfair, too.  Because everyone tells you how terrible the two's are.  And then you might hear a thing or two about the "trying three's."  No one ever speaks of how awful the fours are.  No one talks about the attitude, the back talk, the mouthiness, the know-it-all stage they go through.  They don't talk about it because it's just that bad.

Several of my friends and I have kids who were born in 2006. They're all four turning five.  And they're all assholes.  We refer to the collectively as the '06 Assholes.  At least one of them has done one of the following since turning four:

- bit off an entire toenail
- got a popcorn kernel stuck in their nose
- flushed a ringpop down the toilet
- took a razor to the hair (boy)
- took scissors to the hair (girl
- shaved a strip down the front of a leg (girl)
- smeared lotion on a TV
- smashed chapstick into the carpet and wall
- dumped a whole can of fish food into the tank
- consumed an entire box of popsicles on the sly
- played in Vaseline and stuck a penny to her face

All of these might be a little funny if they'd been performed by a 2-year-old.  Or maybe even a 3-year-old.  But by the time they're four, it's no longer cute and the little shit has just earned Asshole status.

And, believe it or not, everything on this list pales in comparison to the way they:

- cop an attitude
- whine
- cop an attitude
- don't listen
- cop an attitude
- talk back
- did I mention they cop an attitude?

Now, go snuggle your brand new little baby and be thankful they haven't reached "THE FOURS" yet.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Your Baby is not Cute

I'm no expert on parenting.  Believe me.  My oldest kid is only four (and a half).  Not that that really matters.  Parenting is the one thing that you can have 80 BAZILLION years of experience in and still know absolutely, positively NOTHING.  So I pretty much know nothing about parenting.  But that doesn't stop me from having a list as long as my arm - and yours - of things I would love to tell every single brand new mother out there.

Here's the first one.

Your baby is not cute.

I know.  You're ready to throw stuff at me.  Even those of you who have babies who are now in their 20's are shaking your heads and saying, "maybe your baby wasn't cute.  Maybe every other baby in the world was not cute.  BUT MINE WAS."

They are wrong.  You are wrong.  Your baby is not cute.

Your baby is precious.  Your baby is beautiful in the "oh em gee - THIS is what a missed birth control pill can do" sense.  Your baby is absolutely wonderful and amazing and awe-inspiring and possibly even breath taking.

But your baby is not cute.

Your baby is red-faced and wrinkled.  It may have a smooshed ear and a smattering of baby acne.  It inevitibly looks like the world's smallest angry old man when it cries.

Your baby is not cute.

You, Dear Mother, are blinded by love.  I know.  I've been there.  Three times. 

Your baby will be cute.  By the time they're six months old.  By then, they'll have developed an adorable layer of baby fat.  They'll grin, even when it's not gas.  They have just a smidgen of personality.  And 99% of them are cute just by virtue of the fact that they're a baby.  (The other 1%?  Well . . . bless their little hearts).

Trust me on this one.  You'll look back in a few months and realize just how right I was.  The proof is in the puddin':




Those babies, at birth, are beautiful.  Wonderful, amazing, and I would do anything in the world to hold them - at that size - just one more time.  Cute, though?  Notsomuch.

Monday, May 2, 2011

How to be an Asshole on Facebook -- Part Two

I posted this on my Facebook status the other day:

Do you ever see someone's status and feel the need to remind them that they're a middle class white girl from somewhere like Arkansas or Kentucky?

And judging from the comments I got, I figured it was time for another round of How to be an Asshole on Facebook.

Here we go!  Round Two!

1) Two words: Ghetto Speak.
Look, if your friends have to pull up Urban Dictionary to be able to discern what you're saying then, well, that makes you an asshole on Facebook.

2) FML.
Pretty much every abreviation from LOL to SMH earns you asshole status.  But, folks, FML should've gone out with 2009.

3) Using "FML" after you've BROKEN A NAIL.
(FML = F*ck my life)
If breaking a nail is the worst thing that ever happens to you in life then, well, please don't send me a friend request.  Kthanks.


4) Post EVERY SINGLE PICTURE from your recent trip to the beach.
This includes pictures of random parking garages, hotels you did not stay in, and road side rest areas.  Go on 'head and throw in those pictures of the interior of the airplane.  The ones you took for Great Aunt Bessie who never has been and never will be on a plane.  You know ALL your Facebook friends want to see those types of pictures.
(Side note: You can take pictures of whatever you want when you go on vacation.  Go for it!  It's the age of digital so you're not using one of your precious 24 shots on a roll of film to get a pic of the Waffle House.  BUT.  If you post that shit on Facebook then I reserve the right to make fun of your ass).

5) Two words: Family Drama.
If there's anything at all that'll make you the most popular asshole on Facebook, it's posting your family drama for all the world to see.  There's nothing quite like a good old fashioned cat fight between cousins.  And by 'old fashioned' I mean hashed out on a Facebook status for 480 of your nearest and dearest to 'like.'

6) Misuse the 'Tag' Feature.
My girlfriends and I have a rule when it comes to pictures from our trips: never tag anyone.  The surest way to lose a friend quick is to tag them in a photo where they look to' up from the flo' up.


7) When you're late for work, forget your doctor's appointment, or can't find  your child's shoes -- blame it on the president.
You hate him.  We get it.  Everyone on your friends list gets in.  You can hate him all you want -- it's the American way and it's your right.  But you're broaching on asshole-ness when you blame him for everything from natural disasters to not being able to find your car keys.

8) Update every 20 minutes just to let everyone know exactly what you're doing.
"Sitting here eating Cheetos and watching The Price is Right."
"Done eating Cheetos, now just watching The Price is Right."
"Still watching The Price is Right."
Everyone loves their feed to be overwhelmed by the mundaneness that happens to be your life.

9) Reveal the BIG ENDING of a show before it's had time to air on the west coast.
You know, every now and then the hubs and I toss around the idea of moving to California.  Other than the fact that I'm southern to the very core, I could not move west for fear that some a-hole would tell me who wins The Biggest Loser before I get a chance to watch the finale.

10) Be that Play-by-Play Poster.
EVERYone is watching the Grammy's (or the Super Bowl or this week's American Idol) so they probably already know what JLo's dress looked like, that #44 totally bobbled that pass, or just how much so-n-so butchered that Elton John classic.  They really don't NEED you recapping every single little thing that happens every 8 seconds.  But that doesn't stop YOU.  Asshole.

(Special thanks to my favorite whores for their ideas!)