Monday, January 30, 2012

Diary of a Pregnant Woman

Disclaimer: I am NOT pregnant!  God would have to have a pretty wicked sense of humor for me to ever find myself knocked up again.  My baby is almost two and I'm far enough removed from those maternity days that I can now look back and make fun of myself.  And anyone else who has ever been pregnant.

Disclaimer Two: If you happen to be pregnant come back and read this in a couple years when you can laugh at it.

Five Weeks - One week late.  Time to take a test.  Just to see.  It's probably negative.  It's definitely negative.  There's no way I'm - HOLY SHIT.  I AM PREGNANT.

Five Weeks, Two Minutes - Deep breath.  Deep breath.  Think about this.  Okay.  All the cool people wait until, like, 12 weeks to tell other people right?  Maybe I should do that too.  Yes.  I can totally do that.  I'll wait until 12 - no, 14! - weeks to announce this to the world.

Five Weeks, Three Minutes - 14 weeks is still TWO MONTHS away.  Oh em gee.  I cannot keep this a secret for two months.

Five Weeks, Four Minutes - Update Facebook status: "We're excited to announce that, in a few months, our family will grow by two feet!"

Five Weeks, Five Minutes - OH SNAP.  Better call The Husband and let him know the happy news before the Monster in Law reads it on my Facebook and calls him first.  Ugh.  That woman canNOT stay out of our business.

Five Weeks, Seventeen Minutes - Is it too early to buy baby stuff?  I'm just going to order this cute pair of tights here . . . and that hairbow I found on Etsy a few weeks ago.  I just KNOW this baby is a girl.

Five Weeks, Twenty Minutes - Just took my first belly shot!

Five Weeks, Thirty Four Minutes - I feel so productive!  Just made appointments with a midwife, a doula, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, an herbal doctor, a lactation consultant, and, to make my mom and the Monster in Law happy, an obstetrician. 

Five Weeks, Thirty Six Minutes - Wow, I totally didn't feel pregnant at all yesterday but ever since I peed on that stick I AM SO TIRED.  I think I'm going to take a nap.

Five Weeks, One Day - I'm craving pickles and ice cream.  Pregnant!  Squeee!

Five Weeks, Two Days - I sooooo think I have morning sickness!  It can't be the three chili dogs I ate last night (baby wanted them) or the buffalo wings I had for breakfast (baby wanted them).  It's, like, legitimate morning sickness.

Five Weeks, Three Days - I have approximately 876 things pinned on my "Nursery" pinboard and another 982 things on my "Stuff for Baby" board.  Is it too early to buy a car seat and crib?

Six Weeks, Three Days - I could sleep for the rest of my life.  Zzzzz.

Seven Weeks - OH MY GOSH.  I can't get my head out of the toilet.

Seven Weeks, Four Days - THIS is morning sickness.  THIS.  I'm never going to eat again.

Seven Weeks, Four Days, 28 Minutes - If I don't eat something I'm going to throw up.

Seven Weeks, Four Days, 31 Minutes - Threw up anyway.

Eight Weeks - My first OB appointment is tomorrow!  Squeee!

Eight Weeks, One Day - I got a picture of our cute little baby!  I know she looks like a peanut but, I swear, she has her daddy's nose!  And the heartbeat was in the 170's . . . it's a girl!  I know it!  It has to be a girl!  Also, that bitch ass nurse had the audacity to give ME a bag full of formula samples.  Doesn't she know that I have nipples of steel?  That I'm going to kick breastfeeding's ass?

Nine Weeks, Four Days - Just posted to Facebook that I felt the baby move.  The Monster in Law told me it was just gas.  Can you believe her?  She tried telling all of Facebook that *I* have gas!  As if.

Nine Weeks, Six Days - I think I'm showing.  I need to go buy maternity clothes.

Ten Weeks, Two Days - Just went to the store.  All the cute maternity clothes were way out of my budget and everything is too big!  How can they be too big?  I.AM.SHOWING.

Twelve Weeks - Second trimester.  Finally went two whole days without throwing up my breakfast.  WINNING.

Thirteen Weeks - I'm pretty sure I'm having Braxton Hicks contractions.  Yeah, that must be it.  Contractions.

Fourteen Weeks - I FEEL GREAT.

Sixteen Weeks - I never realized just how sexy the mailman is.  And the custodian at work.  Oh and the guy who bagged my groceries yesterday.  How old is HE?

Seventeen Weeks - Pregnancy is the most wonderful thing in the history of the world.  I wish I could be pregnant forever!  I think I'll be a surrogate someday.

Eighteen Weeks, Four Days - Feeling this baby flutter around is the most amazing feeling in the history of ever.  Oh, pregnancy.  I love you.

Nineteen Weeks, Six Days - Log on to Facebook and remind everyone that the gender ultrasound is tomorrow.  Tomorrow!  Oh, I just know it's a girl!

Twenty Weeks - It's a . . . BOY!  Oh!  I knew it all along.

Twenty Weeks, Two Hours - Just went to Target and registered for every single blue thing in the store.

Twenty Two Weeks - Why can I NOT poop?  Ugh.

Twenty Four Weeks - Bliss!

Twenty Six Weeks - I've eaten six McDoubles in the past four days.  And had eight Wendy's Frosty's.  That's normal, right?

Thirty Weeks - I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. 

Thirty One Weeks - I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. 

Thirty Two Weeks - I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Thirty Three Weeks - Can this baby please get his feet out of my ribs for, like, five minutes?  I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Thirty Four Weeks - I just realized that this huge egg shaped thing that's taken over my abdomen -- there's a baby in there!  And it has to come out of . . . there?  I'm calling the OB to schedule my c-section.  Also, I've never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Thirty Five Weeks - Baby shower!  Will I really need THAT many diapers?  And what was the Monster in Law thinking with those outfits?

Thirty Six Weeks - GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.  I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.  I hate being pregnant.  I'm never doing this again.  And if The Penis doesn't quit breathing that annoying way then I AM GOING TO STAB HIM.

Thirty Seven Weeks - I can't sleep.  None of my maternity clothes fit. None of my husband's clothes fit.  The tent we used to go camping last summer doesn't fit. My face is so broke out I look like a teenager.  I sweat all the time.  My back hurts.  I have to go to the bathroom every six minutes.   I've had UTI's, hemorrhoids, and high blood pressure.  I think I see half a stretch mark and that had BETTA NOT be a varicose vein.  I'm married to the most annoying person on the planet.  I hate being pregnant.  COME OUT, BABY.

Thirty Eight Weeks - WHY IS THE BABY NOT HERE YET? 

Thirty Nine Weeks - Was that a contraction?  Maybe we should go to the hospital just in case.

Thirty Nine Weeks, Fourteen Hours - TWELVE hours later and, nope, no contractions.  This baby is never coming out.

Thirty Nine Weeks, Two Days - Definitely contractions this time.  Here we go again.

Thirty Nine Weeks, Two Days, Six Hours - False alarm.

Thirty Nine Weeks, Six Days - I AM GOING TO BE PREGNANT FOREVER.

Forty Weeks, Four Days - He must really like it in there.  I guess he's just going to stay.  WHY IS HE NOT COMING OUT?  I am four days past my due date!  This is not fair!   

Forty Weeks, Five Days - I'm never having anymore children because I AM NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN.  Oooh.  My back has been hurting so bad today.

Forty Weeks, Six Days - Oh God, oh God, oh God.  THESE are contractions.  THIS is what labor feels like.  I AM GOING TO DIE.  Forget the midwife!  Forget the doula!  I NEED MEDS. 

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Four Hours - Thisssh shtuff they put in my IB, uh, IVeeee ish the besht schtuff evverrr.

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Six Hours - It's only ten centimeters.  WHY does it take so long to get there?

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Nine Hours - Really.  He's never coming out.

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Eleven Hours - PUSH!

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Twelve Hours - Love.  This is love.  Real, true, love at first sight.  But why does he have my grandpa's ears?

Forty Weeks, Six Days, Twelve Hours, Two Minutes - Still haven't pushed the placenta out but I have GOT to update my Facebook status!